she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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