Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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