really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel like a drive thru vagina
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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