smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
