So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
