pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
