My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
