I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
