At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
