So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
