tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
