my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
