Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
