At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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