I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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