I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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