Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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