You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
