Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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