I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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