have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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