I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
