My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have feelings that need drinking.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
