i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
