I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
