i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
