If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
