listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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