woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
