she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
