i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
