I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
