she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
vagina is talking i cant
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
