Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
