"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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