fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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