Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
