I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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