found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
