Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
