My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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