I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
