just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
