I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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