U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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