the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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