I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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