shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
