i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
