Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
