Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
