Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This baby is an asshole
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
