My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
